AIM: Pancaek Beast | E-mail: shdwdde@gmail.com | Denny's House of Pancaeks
Samus vs. Tifa, Zelda vs. Yuna, Snake vs. Mega Man, Sonic vs. Crono, Samus vs. Zelda, Snake vs. Sonic, ??? (Points: 106/128 Matches: 52/60)
Appetite yet uncut, you clap Alucard heartily on the back.
"Arugah," you say, and pull him sportingly but forcefully with you down the streets of the city.
"Look, Donkey." He resists a little, leaning backward against your arm - as if that's going to do anything. You are mother****ing Donkey Kong. His weight counteracts the inertia of your body as a marshmallow counteracts the motion of a truck. "Where exactly do you think you're taking me?"
Never much one for words, you steer Alucard easily into the local Starbucks and seat him across the table from you. "You know I don't drink coffee, hell anything but blood," he says rather exasperatedly, "Hell, I don't even like people."
You smirk, lifting your hand a little. For once in this crazy island experience, you know exactly what's going down. "What exactly do you think I'm going to order?" Alucard buries his face in the menu, flipping through the menu. He remains enshrouded in it for a few minutes without response. Then he begins to lower it again.
"As I expected, nothing that I --"
He stops, eyes wide open, unsure whether or not they can see anything. White fabric, stretched tightly beyond all imitation of decency, lingers under his nose. Slowly, determinedly, he raises his gaze to meet soulful, dark, feminine eyes. There is a moment's silence, to though Alucard, it no doubt seems to last a lifetime. "HelloooOOOOoo Nurse!" he resonates.
"Hey there, hot stuff," says Tifa, reaching down Alucard's shirt and stroking his chest.
"Actually," Alucard responds, all suaveness and cool, "I'm Undead, so you'd be calling me "cold stuff" if you really knew me."
"That's what I meant." Tifa winks widely. "Anything I can get you boys?"
"Didn't know you were so slutty," Alucard tells her breasts.
"Only for you, sweetie." She kisses Alucard on the cheek and backs off. "I'll make Donkey here a sandwich," she purrs.
"You do that." Alucard turns back to you as Tifa leaves the table. You and he exchange manly, knowing smirks. "You know, I don't need to get laid this badly."
But you only continue to smirk at him.
"Yeah," he concedes, "It is part of the Plan."
Tifa returns, arms overflowing and back curving with your sandwich. It is a beast of a submarine, nearly matching Tifa's chest in girth and spanning two meters in length. She staggers before handing one end to you and collapsing over her end. You effortlessly relieve her of the burden and, widening your esophagus, cram the entire length of sandwich down your throat. Its length expands and protrudes against the lining of your stomach, but you only press harder, until your fist is six inches down your esophagus. The emptiness of the last few weeks vanishes utterly, becoming memories that you will never again know.
Tears flow from your eyes. Satisfied, you wipe away the tears and resign yourself to watching Tifa's groping Alucard. This activity would keep your content stomach entertained for the next two hours if not for a sudden infernal noise and the tearing down of the cafe. A pedo-bait girl in a thugged out dress is twirling a little staff at you while a giant horned firegoat thing is ripping apart the city. Alucard jumps out of his seat at the table, but Tifa only presses down harder.
So the burden lies with you. The fire-breathing monster attacks you, and you duck for cover. Its fireball misses spectacularly and incinerates the rest of the cafe. With the spirit of Daniel Boone, you leap to the top of the goat-like horns and bring the devil down to earth. When its face smashes into the ground, it jerks violently and dissipates into white light. Fortunately, this white light is not enough to swallow you up.
The girl, looking terrified, twirls the staff and does some weirdo dance steps. As the skies darken and the Earth trembles, you strike a badass pose. The girl summons Shiva, God of Ice; you summon Mega Man and Sonic the Hedgehog, who are actually utterly useless. They leap at the Aeon and are quickly encased in the densest and most deuterium-filled of ice. A high-pitched whistling sound assaults your ears; their impact causes them to shatter into a hundred thousand bite-sized pieces. You shoot a glance at Alucard. He is waving his sword. "Stand strong, Donkey!" he yells, a task made difficult indeed by the fact that his tongue is in Tifa's throat.
You do the most sensible thing: Run. You are mother****ing Donkey Kong, but you are not stupid, and you do not intend to get your ass frozen. It is a most unpleasant sensation; the last time you had ice cream, it took several days for the brain freeze to wear off.
Your excape is short-lived. As you pick up the entangled bodies of Alucard and Tifa, you hear a metallic sound of a sword being drawn, followed by a sound of steel skewering flesh. You turn your gaze down and actually stop running. Perhaps the tenth pink-clad princess you've seen is holding a regal sword becoming of her stature, stained with blood. Alucard leaps out of your arms, somehow disentangled from Tifa. You drop your eyes to the woman in your arms. Her top is burst; her magnificent chest pierced and destroyed. Fresh blood pumps out of the wound.
Alucard takes a second and a half to draw his sword, assume battle stance, and strike the guilty weapon from her hands. She raises her hands to cast a spell, but Alucard cuts her dress at just the right angle, spinning her to face the back. She releases the uncontrolled blast straight at the summoned Aeon. Shiva howls and vanishes. The summoner girl begins to twirl her staff yet again, but you are far faster. You bound over to her and graciously snatch the summoning device from her hands. She looks up at you, pleading; you snap her staff and her neck.
Meanwhile, Alucard duels the princess. His sword lashes out at her, leaving her essentially incapable of attacking at all with all of her defense. The very image of aristocratic dueling, you think. Who the hell would use a sword when he could use a bullet?
Pew! A muffled spurting sound cuts through the clash of metal and hits the princess through the heart. Slowly, you look into the single uncovered eye of a white-haired old man in really, really hot spandex.
"Looked like you boys had a bit of trouble," he says, unnecessarily blowing the tip of a state-of-the-art American SOCOM pistol with silencer.
"Who the hell are you?" Alucard de-materializes and re-materializes in less time than it takes to say "Solid Snake."
"Solid Snake," says Solid Snake.
"Well, Solid Snake," says Alucard, sword to Solid Snake's throat, "I-"
Alucard stops talking abruptly as Solid Snake's head flies off of its shoulders. In the devasted city grounds, there stands Sephiroth, shimmering, God-like, flamboyant, overcompensating, hyphenated.
"Sorry about the Deus Ex Machina," he drawls. The voice slithers and slathers around your ear canals and won't get to the ****ing point. It is a voice that you would like very much to destroy.
"We have some unfinished business."
You tense up, raising your gargantuan fists. Alucard moves toward you, backing you up.
"Wait!" Sephiroth laughs. "Two on one? that hardly seems fair. I have some friends."
From the sky cascade the most fascinating group of individuals. To the left is a redcoated Communist with a South-European mustache and ridiculous accent. To the right, a yellow-haired woman with striking eyes and a sword that matches the size of the sandwich oozing through your intestines. And right behind Sephiroth, there is an elvish man in green clothes and tights, aiming a very serious-looking bow.
"Ready for some fun?"
(A) Take on Sephiroth first. He has messed with you for ****ing long enough.
(B) Take on the plumber fellow. You can't tell why, but you have this intrinsic desire to kick his ass. **** Sephiroth. Your instincts take priority.
(C) Put it in that blond woman. And by "put it in," you mean your foot into its throat.
(D) Sit back, take a nap, and let Alucard handle the situation. You are mother****ing Donkey Kong. He has a Plan. That's the way things work.
SD
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
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