AIM: Pancaek Beast | E-mail: shdwdde@gmail.com | Denny's House of Pancaeks
Solid Snake vs. Squall, Yoshi vs. Dante, Sora vs. Gordon Freeman, Ryu vs. Mega Man, Sonic vs. Vincent, Kirby vs. Luigi (Points: 54/60, Matches: 41/46)
You are unable to see, but blindness of no consequence. The third time is the charm, especially if you happen to be mother****ing Donkey Kong. Which you are.
And thus, you stretch your arms in a gorilla-hug and curl your fingers. Unquantifiably, your grip enshrouds a solid piece of the light. Eyelids firmly locked shut, you pull, hard. Showers of light rush by your face and your ears. The floaty energy offers no resistance to your tugs and pounds. Light's fabric bends and shrinks and curls up into a small, manageable form.
When you open your eyes, you are unable to look directly at the figure in your hands, but its shape upon your digits is absolutely telling. Banana.
Squinting and averting your gaze from the light-imbued fruit before you, you deskin it righteously and methodically and place it slowly into your mouth. Your throat engorges its pulsating length and even the flaps of peel around it. There is no physical sensation upon the insides of your mouth, only the elusive pleasure that you get when you beat Minesweeper - a feat that you have only accomplished once. Nonetheless, you caress the flavor of victory with your tongue, and it does indeed taste like a banana, only more philosophically and symbolically enlightening.
The entire length of the nutritious package slips down your esophagus, unchewed but coated generously with saliva. And as the light fills your stomach and your metaphorical heart, your eyes snap open.
It is a dingy town with no livelihood. Though organic beings appear to drift in and out of mud huts, their souls are as soiled as the real estate which houses them.
But you are oblivious to the poverty that surrounds you. Instead, you take a genuine, sincere interest in a hygienic-looking, lavishly dressed, incredibly sexy young white male, holding a bladed contraption. He sports a red armband.
He mutters something incoherent and badass and immediately casts some sort of voodoo magic on you. Flames dance along your fur for no discernible reason, igniting your skin from six layers within and giving you a few sixth-degree burns - not that they affect you. You retain control of your combusting Balrog of a body and catch the fascinating weapon as the man swings it. Your smoldering eyes bear into his emo ones for a split second before the sword explodes out of your grip, and he escapes unharmed.
All around you, you hear natives oohing and aahing. You are unsure exactly what has transpired to screw you over so royally. With the fury of the Enlightened Banana, you spontaneously explode, making the flames even bigger and your aura even more badass, if indeed that is possible. You lunge and thrust your Fist of Fire at him. The gunblade meets your fist halfway between the second and third fingers, but even as it explodes to deter one punch, your other transfers several trillion newtons into his body. The heat and force tear a gaping mouth in the air of the village, and its vortex sucking powers accept your victim wordlessly.
"You look demonic enough, Balrog!" yells a voice behind you.
Two bullets pelt the back of your head and ricochet off. You spin around and see a white-haired man brandishing a black gun and a white gun. He leaps instinctively and fires two more rounds. Unsure of his intent, you swat the bullets with the back of your blazing hand. They slam into the chest of their originator and kill him instantly. The portal caused by your previous incident opens wide and accepts the white-haired gunman as a second offering.
You stand, a pillar of flame, before the leering mouth of another dimension, daring any to attack you. The villagers cower before you and make offerings that you promptly toss away, including sheep, cows, and a certain orange-clothed man in a jumpsuit.
"Halt!"
The villagers desist in their Devil-worshipping ways instantly and flock to an Asian man in shotokan karate gi. "Ryu, save us!" one of them cries out.
A little miffed that your cult has abandoned you so quickly for such a pitiful savior, you grab them all and shove them all into the portal. The effort involved is akin to that of beating Solitaire, so you're doing all right. The martial artist merely looks on impassively at your gluttonous waste of lives until you finish taking out the population of the village.
"Now we will fight," says Ryu, and he sets upon you with all the righteous anger of a stereotypical Japanese samurai. Fist and foot fly to you, guided by decades of dedication and unforgiving sparring.
He misses entirely; you sidestep him, and he falls into the portal along with all of the others. Generic badass with guns #3 shows up, but you toss him out, as well.
No more challengers await. You toss your head back and laugh, the spitting image of Satan...
Until you yourself are sucked into the portal. Utter blackness surrounds you. Your fiery complexion is smothered on the interior of this creature, and all the thrashing in the world cannot save you from a very undignified excretion.
Before you stands a pink ball of fluff with a devilish fire surrounding him - a mockery of yourself. You advance and prepare to demolish it, but it begins to talk, and in spite of yourself, you stop.
"Stop! Look at me."
You examine it and recommence your assault, but again it interrupts.
"I am you! I am your shadow! I am the devil!"
So what?
"Is this what you want to look like?"
You examine it very thoroughly. It looks a lot like you, except that instead of having an ape's body, it has a pink puffball.
"You look like the devil, just as I do! And guess what?"
The epiphany hits you like a bad simile, swallowing your mind and bending it to the point where it wants to commit suicide.
"You are not the Devil! Defeat the inner darkness! You filled your soul with light but is that what you want to be?"
You know the answer, but even as you regurgitate the light and send the fiery ball flying to Kingdom Come, its voice speaks the truth that you again embrace.
"This is not you! You are mother****ing Donkey Kooooong!"
And the light from your mouth swallows you up again.
(A) Curl up fetally and wonder how you could have been so stupid as to eat the light. You are mother****ing Donkey Kong, and you feel sick.
(B) Try to go on another power trip, this time by folding the light up into a cape and flying around like Superman.
(C) Look deep within yourself and try to find the answers to Life, the Universe, and the Kiddies Waking Up In The Morning.
(D) Take a nap.
SD
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
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