AIM: Pancaek Beast | E-mail: shdwdde@gmail.com | Denny's House of Pancaeks
Squall Leonhart vs. Tidus, Riku vs. Yoshi (Points: 17/18 Matches: 17/18)
"Follow me." His voice is decisive, compelling, hilariously bad.
You raise an eyebrow, unconvinced.
"I have a Plan."
The statement commands your absolute implicit trust. Alucard does not even look for visual confirmation from you but rather begins to walk out of the hotel. Seeing your opportunity to follow him, you miraculously... choose to follow him. As you exit the building, you discover that no longer is the cigarette guzzler waiting outside.
"We'll find him eventually," Alucard informs you confidently. You nod; it is all a part of the Plan.
And so you follow him. The long strides don't ever quite seem to touch the ground; his vampiric blood makes him glide rather than walk. A red glow, born of his core, illuminates the evening streets of the city. The hypnotic ripple of the cape distorts your perception of time, and before you know it, your orgastic conception of the future recedes before your mind. It eludes you, but it's no matter, for you follow Alucard farther and farther, and then, as midnight approaches -
And so you beat on, boats against the current, born back ceaselessly into the past.
"Stop."
The voice is curt, ridiculous, but it is the sole anchor for you. Your vision's focus is restored, your gaze drawn back down to his silvery, lifeless eyes.
"Our foe lurks near. We have found the Legendary Beast," he says breathily, in what is no doubt an attempt at a whisper, though it comes out sounding remarkably resonant and fruity. You lather your ears with the contrast of eloquent words and obnoxious tone, wincing a little but betraying nothing. "There she blows..."
He points a bloodless finger forth and you suddenly realize your bearings. You are in the middle of a very familiar field. Torn grass lies aloof all around you, and they look like they've been rotting for around two and a half weeks. Then finally you get a visual on Alucard's gesture target. It is a small pond, black in the night and with dirt that was apparently kicked into it. More curiously, however, it is rippling.
"Our query lies within," Alucard intones. "Your time is now. Prove your worth, Donkey, and capture the Legendary Beast!"
Alucard's words give spring to your step. You plunge shamelessly into the water. Your open eyes are incapable of perceiving the Legendary Beast, but you force yourself through the pond regardless, waving your arms aerodynamically to attempt to feel it.
Bop. Something large and round hits you square between the eyes, knocking you backwards in the water. Bop. Another projectile smashes into your abs of granite, but this time you catch it and hurl it back, reversing its vector entirely. You listen carefully and do not hear its impact. Seconds later, another one clocks you meatily on your rear. Again you return the attack, but already Bop - yet another attack has pounded you on the top of your head, knocking out at least twelve per cent of your processing power. The Legendary Beast clearly has too much balls for its own good.
Bop. Bop. Bop.
You shake your head vigorously to clear out all the stars. Finally there is a lull in the relentless assault... and then you hear a splash.
Leg propulsion kicks in independently of thought. You feel the surface of the water exploding with your awesome mass, feel something taut and muscular on the surface of your face as you lift the Legendary Beast fully out of the water and come to a sloshy landing in the ripped up grass nearby. Vision swims slowly through the water and finally reaches your eyes. The Legendary Beast at your feet is one of the hottest blond chicks you've ever seen, wearing startling clothing.
"Argh, I'm sorry," she whines, and suddenly your heart belongs to her. You lose yourself in her eyes, shaded by sopping long lashes, glinting innocently against the twinkling stars. She certainly has an interesting hair style, and there is a tangible vulnerability that tugs at the vertices of your cardioid. You melt to her.
"Now can you please get off me?"
Instantly, your aggressive instinct kick back in. You are mother****ing Donkey Kong; what's this thing gonna have to say about who gets to be on top?
"Yes, Donkey! Get rid of it! It's the only way!" Alucard's voice drifts mistily across the pond. It is music to your ears. Your kick puts that of any professional American football player to shame. The hot chick crumples and bends over with the force of the kick and clears the stratosphere helplessly.
Vindicated, you turn back to Alucard.
"Nicely pl-"
Something hideous and white-haired leaps out of the water, wraps its hand around Alucard's mouth, and raises a nasty-looking weapon and plunges it at Alucard's neck. The half-vampire, not missing a beat, dematerializes instantly, becoming a sinister haze. The ambusher impales himself very deeply, coughs, and falls into the pond.
Alucard re-materializes, and there is a rather reverent silence for a few minutes.
"Let's not go to this pond again."
(A) Dive into the pond. Be a rebel. You are mother****ing Donkey Kong, and even Alucard isn't gonna keep you from frolicking like a woman.
(B) Take a nap.
(C) Respectfully follow Alucard to wherever he has next in mind. He does seem pretty efficient at finding these things.
(D) Do a headstand, break dance, and rap.
SD
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Saturday, September 30, 2006
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